everyday just gets a little bit harder and harder. it all just comes to me like a gush of wind. i can't seem to find a moment to just breathe and relax. so many things to do, so many responsibilities, so many trials, so many hardships. i'm not complaining, though. these are the things that push me to become a stronger person. these are the things that make me a better person. these are the things that will never make past situations the same again.

this is the life i chose to live and i will not back down.

things will NEVER be the same again.

why dont you understand that?

why cant you be proud and happy for me?

thanks. thanks for your UNDYING support. psh.

i've been having the weirdest dreams ever. i dont know if its cause i havent had rest or if its because i'm actually thinking about all those shit. damn.

Wooo!!! I go back home today! I cannot wait! How I've missed San Francisco!

I will miss you, Manila! See you in May!

first day in manila updates:

1) facial, manipedi, salon appointment, check check and check!
2) i've talked to so many people about you today. and just as i was talking, i realized how naive i've become. i hope God gives me the strength to stop hoping and wishing.
3) WE ALL KNOW ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. you definitely know it. i wish i believed i knew it. i just really gotta get a grip on things and get my head straight.
4) i wanna go hoooome. i miss san francisco already!

so that's it huh? i thought it was gonna be different this time. but then again, fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.

i'm such an idiot.

goodbye, 2008. hello, 2009.

2009, i believe you will be a great year for me! i started it out right and i plan to have a great rest of the year.

p.s. shit i cant believe its january again!

i really need to stop wishing and hoping for something that, if not attained, would just crush me. over and over again. it bites that i thought i was getting there then as i thought more and more about the situation, i realized that i will lose whichever way i look at it. its seriously not healthy for me anymore. not healthy at all. i want to say that i wish you understand and that i hope you give me a little something to go on, but like i said. wishing and hoping just wont do me any good.

i'm hanging on for dear life and i'm too afraid to let go.

IF YOU ARE MARIZ DIZON AND YOU ARE READING THIS, I HAVE A FEW THINGS TO SAY TO YOU.

1) i hate your guts
2) where the hell have you been?? my kwentos are getting panis already because you're never online!
3) can you please reply to tamia when she texts you cause i kinda wanna know if you'll be online or not!
4) I HATE YOUR GUTS!

i was about to say home but it got me thinking. manila isnt really my home anymore. san francisco's my home now. i've started to build a life here and as scary and as unreal as it all may seem, i've lost bits and pieces of what i had in manila that made it my no-question-about-it-home. now i find those bits and pieces here and i'm not so sure where i belong anymore.

i definitely miss the atmosphere, the life and especially my friends back in manila. i'm just not too sure if that's what life's got in store for me.

--------

earlier, a friend asked me what my christmas wishlist was. i know i had all those ridiculous, unreachable things on my list a few entries back and i know that i will never get those things. well, at least not until i start earning the big bucks.

but in all honestly, i'm pretty content as of the moment. there's only one realistic thing i want. i hope all things fall into place and everything works out. that's really the only thing i am wishing for. now more than ever.

---------

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE :)
lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

stayed single almost the whole year?
sensitive topic, boo hoo :(

done something you've regretted?
nothing that i can remember

lost someone?
a couple

cut class?
oh hell yeah!

were involved in something you'll never forget?
secret ;)

visited a different country?
uh huh

cooked a gross meal?
none YET. i have a few more days.

lost something important to you?
hmmmm i think so

got a gift you adore?
uh huh!

dyed your hair?
yuppers!

came close to losing your life?
well i got into a car accident. but nothing major.

went to a party?
DUH

read a great book?
nope

saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
nah :(

2008: Friends and Enemies
did you meet any new friends this year?
YES A LOT! wuhoo!

did you dislike anyone?
of course! hahaha bitch alert!

did you grow apart from anyone?
all my friends in manila :( its never gonna be the same

do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
unfortunately, yes

2008: Your BIRTHDAY!
did you have a cake?
nope

did you have a party?
yup

2008: All about YOU
did you change at all this year?
i think so. a change for the better. i'm much more grown up now. thanks to sticking it out in america.

did you change your style?
yezzir! a lil bit

were you in school?
yeah. bugger!

did you get good grades?
idk yet. hopefully.

did you drive?
oh yes. everyday and any day.

did you own a car?
yeah

did anyone close to you give birth?
YUP! my sister in law! and ate katrina! snaps for the new babies!

did you move at all?
san fran babyyy

did you go on any vacations?
yeah, i think so

would you change anything about yourself now?
yeah, a lot a lot a lot more.

2008 WRAP UP:
was 2008 a good year?
i like to think it was

do you think 2009 will be better then 2008?
A LOT BETTER

I confess that in 2008 I...
(x) stayed single for the whole year
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
( ) had your heart broken
(x) mooned someone
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) came out of the closet
( ) had an abortion
( ) done something you've regretted

OTHER
( ) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
( ) posted a blog on MySpace
(x) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year -- PLANNING TO! WOOT WOOT!
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lied about how old you were -- america's making me lie! not my fault!
(x) prank called someone

In 2008 I...
[x] broke a promise
[x] told a little white lie
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[x] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[ ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[x] left the country
[ ] almost died -- ISH?
[x] given up on something/someone important to you
[ ] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you -- manila friendssss :(
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[x] spent most of your money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach with your best friend/s
[x] gotten sick
[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same time
[x] became closer with a lot of people

i have a feeling this holiday's not gonna turn out so bad after all :)

I'M GONNA BE AN AUNT IN A FEW HOURS. I'M SO EXCITED!!! she's gonna be the most spoiled little girl the world will ever know!! ahhhhhhh!!!

ps i feel so damn old.

its 1:45 am of december 14th and i still have not done anything for any of my finals. i am not in the mood. i am toooooooo lazy. i'm too hyped up for the real winter break. and i think the shit to do are too damn easy. i have no motivation whatsoever. please god, help me.

BTW mariz dizon, if youre reading this, i know how lia pablo reads your lj. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

i miss poveda and everything about it. my friends, the life, IW, mang bags, the canteen, the pollution, the guards, tito gabby, the teachers and yes, even the dumbshit teachers!

but not java so okay, maybe not everything.

I MISS MANILA AND I MISS HIGH SCHOOL. there's seriously no place like home.

a few more days til the end.

i cannot wait for my first semester to be over. don't get me wrong, i totally appreciate the fact that i'm going to a super good school but i just want it to be over.

a lot's happened in the past 4 months and i'm really thankful i've gotten the chance to live life a little more and to learn how to be on my own.

the states has honestly done me some good. i give it that much.

you're hot and you're cold. i dont get you.

i'm thankful for everything. for the bad, that helps me become stronger and the good, that helps me keep going. thank you for everything, friends :) that's really all i have to say!

hi santa (and/or friends)! since i dont think i'm getting the wish i asked from santa, here is my wish list.

1. Louis Vuitton Damier Canvas Trevi GM
2. Chanel Classic Large Flap (Black)
3. A painting from some indie art gallery
4. Marc by Marc Jacobs Two-toned Patent Booties
5. Marc by Marc Jacobs Patent Jazz Flats
6. A Cibo branch in San Francisco
7. Marc Jacobs Quilted Stam Satchel
8. Marc Jacobs Palais Royal Asa Crossbody (Pink)
9. Tory Burch "Lee Lee" Colorblock Patent Ballet Flat
10. Tory Burch "Larter" Bow Heels
11. Diane von Furstenberg "Rossa" Knit Suiting Dress
12. Nanette Lepore "Send Me Flowers" Bouquet Dress
13. Nanette Lepore "Dynasty" Dress (Red)
14. Nanette Lepore Ribbon Reef Cotton Pique Dress (Yellow)
15. Theory Black Rabbit Fur Jacket with Belt
16. Betsey Johnson Strapless Burnout Stripe Organza Dress
17. Betsey Johnson Double-Breasted Metallic Raincoat
18. Elizabeth & James "Cape Cadet" Coat
19. Lauren Ralph Lauren "Devy" Taffeta Elbow Puff Sleeve Blouse
20. Lauren Ralph Lauren Gemma Halter Dress
21. Lilly Pulitzer Little Pink Book "Andrey" Cotton Dress
22. Chloe Dorothy Pumps in Patent and Printed Lambskin (Blue)
23. Chloe Small Boudoir Shoulder Bag (Violet)
24. Chloe Heloise Flat Riding Boots
25. Prada Suede Booties
26. Salvatore Ferragamo Varina Patent Ballerina (Red)
27. Salvatore Ferragamo Metal Clutch with Black Satin Bow
28. Derek Lam Cinder Bead and Sequin Dress
29. BlackBerry Storm
30. Stella McCartney Dress With Scallop Detail
31. Jil Sander Pleated Dress
32. Lela Rose One Shoulder Ruffle Dress
33. Carolina Herrera One Shoulder Bow Dress
34. Zac Posen Flounce Dress
35. Dolce & Gabbana Floral-Print Jackie Dress
36. Moschino Cheap & Chic Polka Dot Bustier Dress
37. Burberry Check Dress
38. Carolina Herrera Polka Dot Dress
39. Oscar de la Renta Lace Dress
40. Oscar de la Renta Zibeline Shirtdress & Cork Belt
41. Dolce & Gabbana Strapless Bustier Dress
42. Lela Rose Belted Petal Dress
43. Peter Som Scoop Neck Dress
44. Derek Lam Bow-Knot Bustier Dress
45. Heidi Weisel Cashmere-Bodice Dress
46. Christian Louboutin Armadillo Striped Satin d'Orsay
47. Christian Louboutin Nooka Bow Slingback (Red)
48. Christian Louboutin Classic Platform Pump (Black)
49. Prada Vitello Daino Tote (Pink)
50. Prada Vitello Daino Bowler (White)
51. Prada Soft Calfskin Satchel (Black)
52. Manolo Blahnik Zebra-Print d'Orsay
53. Nanette Lepore Hostess D'orsay Pump
54. Yves Saint Laurent Downtown Patent Tote
55. Dior Cutout Wedge Sandal
56. Tory Burch Luxe T Tote (Blue and Grey or Pink and Brown)
57. Louis Vuitton Damier Canvas Brooklyn GM
58. A WHOLE DAY SHOPPING SPREE AT BARNEY'S AND NEIMAN MARCUS WITHOUT BUDGET!!!
59. Louis Vuitton Epi Leather Speedy 30 (Red)
60. RayBan Wayfarers
61. Proenza Schouler Buffalo Plaid Belted Dress
62. Y's by Yohji Yamamoto Long Asymmetrical Cardigan
63. Y's by Yohji Yamamoto Asymmetrical Gabardine Pea Coat
64. Zac Posen Dahlia Strapless Ombre Dress
65. Charlotte Ronson Sequin Racerback Dress
66. Silk Flower Headwrap from Urban Outfitters (White)
67. Recycled Magazine Mirror from Urban
68. Lomography Coffee and Cream Fisheye from Urban
69. Sabina Leather Satchel (Grey)
70. Gossip Girl Game (ONLINE ONLY AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM)
71. Any of the funny books at Urban
72. Party in Manila
73. Really really good foie gras
74. Nikon Coolpix 10.0MP Digital Camera (Black)
75. Influence by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
76. A TRIP TO PARIS WITH AN ALL EXPENSE PAID SHOPPING SPREE
77. A really nice apartment in the city
78. A painting from Urban Outfitters
79. Partini
80. Enough money to send my friends tickets to come to San Francisco
81. All the DVDs of FRIENDS
82. All the DVDs of Gilmore Girls
83. Hermes Birkin (Blue or Black Crocodile)
84. That blue Marc by Marc Jacobs coat I tried on with Ange
85. Tiffany and Co. Elsa Peretti Open Heart Necklace
86. Rolex Yacht-Master
87. Rolex Perpetual
89. Cartier Leve
90. Cartier Santos
91. Cartier Chronoscraph
92. Segway
93. Range Rover
94. HUGE HUGE CLOSET like in The Devil Wears Prada
95. Hoodies and zip-up jackets
96. Rain boots
97. WEED. hahaha just kidding!
98. A trip to St. Tropez
99. An endless supply of Dunhill Frost
100. SECRET ;)

I was gonna continue this but I decided to stop at 100. TOO MUCH! Haha but hey, its a free world. I'm allowed to WISH.